The personal threats, vitriol and escalatory social media tantrums flying between former bromance buddies Elon Musk and Donald Trump last week – and their apparent truce this week – got me thinking about how friends should effectively communicate and negotiate with each other.
Here are three main suggestions, which may seem obvious but that many seem to regularly violate.
1. Cool off before posting your immediate visceral reactions.
Let’s say your friend decided to throw a surprise birthday party for her husband and didn’t invite you and your spouse. You’re hurt, as you thought you were fairly close.
It’s so easy these days to shoot off a text, email or social media post. It can even make us feel better to vent. Don’t. Maybe just compose something and then park it in Drafts for a day. Maybe share it with another friend – one willing to give you the straight scoop – and talk through its pros and cons.
Then evaluate whether it’s helpful to edit, send, or delete. Of course, also consider whether to call or meet with your friend instead.
Thomas Jefferson said “When angry, count 10 before you speak; if very angry, an 100.” Sage words.
2. Consider your and their long-term interests and relationship.
The Musk-Trump relationship was fairly new, transactional, short-term, and between two individuals with huge egos (whether you love or hate them – I think we can all agree on the size of their egos).
All of this negatively impacted the lightning-fast nature of their breakup.
My advice? The longer and deeper your relationship and the more you both care about it, the more you should cut each other some slack and give deep consideration to how to most effectively interact.
I try really hard to be kind and respectful to everyone. But I’m human and have at times been rude to friends – especially if I’m tired and stressed. If this happens, and you’re sufficiently self-aware to know it (or someone tells you about how you came across), fall on your sword, express how regretful you feel, and apologize.
True long-term friends will understand.
3. Use “fair and reasonable” standards and benchmarks
Years ago, I started a negotiation software company and one of my first hires was a friend with whom I had previously practiced law. He was totally overqualified for the job, but he was excited for the opportunity.
I distinctly remember negotiating with him over his salary. The most important element? Our independently evaluated market value benchmarks and standards relating to his new position.
The negotiation could have easily devolved and gone downhill fast. And it was not easy. But we were both committed to making it work.
It’s always a bit risky to do business with a friend, especially a good one. If you go down that path, liberally use independent standards to depersonalize the negotiation (my Third Golden Rule: Employ “Fair” Objective Standards).
Of course, neither of us then or in working together later:
– Threatened each other;
– Engaged in name-calling;
– Treated each other rudely and with disrespect;
– Made up facts about each other;
– Undermined each other publicly or privately; or
– Received a lot without giving much back (ensuring an appropriate level of reciprocity).
All this seems so obvious and easy to do or avoid. It’s not. After all, two of the most powerful people in the world just violated almost every one of these moves.
Latz’s Lesson: Negotiating with friends can be incredibly challenging. So take a breath, consider your respective long-term interests and the relationship, and use appropriate standards.
* Marty Latz is the founder of Latz Negotiation, a national negotiation training and consulting company that helps individuals and organizations achieve better results with best practices based on the experts’ research. He can be reached at 480.951.3222 or Marty@LatzNegotiation.com.