“It’s your tone,” my wife said to me after I apologized. What did she mean? She didn’t feel like I meant it when I said it.
“Ugh,” I thought to myself. I did mean it, but it doesn’t really help much if she doesn’t believe it.
What’s the problem here? We’ve all heard the phrase “it’s not what you say, but how you say it.” So, what was wrong with my tone and how could I have communicated this more effectively.
First, what do we mean when we talk about tone? Dr. Bob Alberti, Ph.D., psychologist and co-author of Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (10th ed., 2017), writes in Psychology Today that your ability to modify your voice makes a significant difference in how your message is perceived. He notes:
“The same words spoken through clenched teeth in anger offer an entirely different message than when they are shouted with joy or whispered in fear. A level, well-modulated, conversational statement is convincing without being intimidating. A whispered monotone will seldom convince another person that you mean business, while a shouted epithet will likely bring on defensiveness. Listen to your tone (is it raspy, whiny, seductively soft, angry?), your inflection (do you emphasize certain syllables, as in a question, or speak in a monotone, or with “sing-song” effect?), and your volume (do you try to gain attention with a whisper or overpower others with loudness?). Learn to control and use your voice effectively; it’s a powerful tool in self-expression.”
This all “sounds” good (sorry!), but it’s obviously much easier said than done. Here are some suggestions that will help in most negotiations.
Of course, these must also be accompanied with the appropriate words and body language.
1. Modulate your pitch and inflections
Lower pitched voices are often perceived as more competent and authoritative than higher pitched ones. And we all have the ability to raise or lower our pitch.
Grab a friend and practice speaking with a slightly lower pitch. You will notice its impact almost immediately.
Also inflect your voice upward in asking questions to your counterparts. This will communicate true curiosity and increase the likelihood they will respond positively and not defensively.
2. Regulate your pace
I recently did a 90-minute keynote for several hundred lawyers and got a bit behind due to the many issues they asked me to address. So, I said I was going to “put on my New York accent and talk really fast.”
This got a bit of a laugh, but it’s a serious issue. How fast you talk makes a difference in how you are perceived.
Years ago, I remember listening as my Harvard Law School Professor Roger Fisher, co-author of the classic Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, substantially slowed down his speech and emphasized each word in a sentence. He did this to illustrate how doing so increased his credibility and seriousness.
And it’s not just your overall pace. It’s also the extent that you change the pace from your normal speech pattern.
3. Vary your volume and emphasis
Many have a tendency to raise their voices when upset. This is not helpful. Yelling and raising your voice is almost always highly counterproductive in negotiations.
The opposite, in fact, is far more helpful. So, try to be more aware of when and under what circumstances your voice gets louder. And if you’re not sure, ask your spouse, partner or a friend to tell you – they will know.
Then take it down a notch or two (or three!).
Also vary the words and phrases you emphasize. “LIMITATION of liability is very important” communicates a different message than “Limitation of liability is VERY important.”
4. Be positive, natural, conversational and real
Frankly, I have a hard time regulating the tone of my voice in situations involving high emotion.
In those circumstances, I try hard to just focus on being positive, natural, conversational and real. In doing this, I have been able to substantially increase my ability to use my tone more effectively.
Latz’s Lesson: How you communicate and the tone of your voice – your pitch, inflection, pace, volume, emphasis and general positive conversational attitude and sound – changes what you will get in negotiations.
* Marty Latz is the founder of Latz Negotiation, a national negotiation training and consulting company that helps individuals and organizations achieve better results with best practices based on the experts’ research. He can be reached at 480.951.3222 or Marty@LatzNegotiation.com.