I have come across some incredibly arrogant know-it-alls in my career, a bunch of whom had the intellectual chops to back it up, but others who were just posers. Either way, their attitude turned off everyone around them and limited their opportunities and choices in life, especially in negotiations.
In fact, my first “mentor” as a baby lawyer was an arrogant you-know-what. Super smart? Yes. But a real jerk. His “mentoring” was a case study in how not to mentor.
Of course, it’s easy to accuse someone of arrogance. But what does this really mean, and how can you ensure you come across as confident but not arrogant? Studies have shown that confidence and an expectation of success improve your ability to achieve your negotiation goals while arrogance and overconfidence – the opposite.
Dictionary.com defines arrogance as an “offensive display of superiority or self-importance.” The opposite of humble.
And arrogance can relate to intelligence but also to other qualities like athletic skill, business prowess, investing success, etc.
So what specific traits and behaviors do arrogant people exhibit and everyone should avoid (some do this naturally, of course, but not all)?
- Not only thinking you are somehow better than others in a specific area (or all areas!) but making others feel less than you by what you say and/or how you say it;
- Disdainfully looking down on others who may be less intelligent or less knowledgeable and treating them as if they and their knowledge or skills or opinions do not matter as much as yours (have you heard the idiom “don’t look down your nose at others”?);
- Coming across as overly certain in the rightness of your knowledge and opinions (and the wrongness of others) and expressing this explicitly or implicitly regardless of whether this is true;
- Sharing your knowledge or expertise when not requested (and thus often not wanted although extremely arrogant people invariably believe others want it regardless);
- Correcting others whenever they say something inaccurate, including when it’s irrelevant or unimportant;
- Failing to sincerely and actively listen and not focusing intently and hearing what others are saying;
- Constantly interrupting (this suggests you believe your comments are more important than what they were saying when interrupted);
- Bragging or showing off – don’t toot your own horn. If you get accepted at numerous top-level schools, only tell your closest family and friends who will be sincerely happy for you but not your larger circle of friends/acquaintances;
- Dismissing and treating feedback as a debate of right and wrong and not an effort to learn and improve;
- Telling one-upping stories whose primary purpose is to shift the focus to you; and
- Using condescending tones.
Why do folks exhibit these? It usually stems from a foundational lack of self-esteem and is a defense mechanism to hide psychological insecurities. In effect, arrogant people feel the need to prove to you and the world that they’re smarter or better than you.
So how can you come across as confident and not arrogant and thus achieve better negotiation results (in addition to NOT doing the above)? Here is a non-exclusive list.
- Don’t share all you know to try to prove to others your value;
- Talk less, actively listen more, and ask more questions (sometimes even if you know the answers);
- Wait to be asked instead of volunteering your thoughts;
- Don’t tell someone they are “wrong” – even if they are wrong – unless it’s to your strategic benefit and, if you do, use the appropriate tone and language (perhaps couch it as a question, not a statement, or say “help me understand … as I have a different impression”). You might think they want to know – and some do – but they will invariably resent you for telling them either way;
- Get others to tout your success, experience and/or expertise, like with references (a utilization of my Third Golden Rule of Negotiation: Employ “Fair” Objective Criteria);
- Be straightforward, matter of fact, and relatively low-key when discussing your stronger negotiation issues;
- Be intensely curious and open to new ideas and contrary opinions (and also express this with your body language, including effective eye contact and open postures, etc.);
- Smile genuinely and bring a positive attitude to the table;
- Share credit with others when appropriate;
- Use inclusive language like “we” and our “team” more than “I” and “me” statements;
- Admit mistakes openly;
- Don’t flaunt your leverage in an overly aggressive way; and
- Use self-deprecating humor (this is a personal favorite that my late friend and super lawyer Corey Watson used all the time).
This is not easy. But it’s crucial.
Latz’s Lesson: Arrogance can be a deal-killer. So be confident but not arrogant. I know you can do it!
* Marty Latz is the founder of Latz Negotiation, a national negotiation training and consulting company that helps individuals and organizations achieve better results with best practices based on the experts’ research. He can be reached at 480.951.3222 or Marty@LatzNegotiation.com.